Living apart together means you and your partner stay committed and keep separate homes. If you have kids, you can keep their routines steady in your own home while you and your partner grow closer. Move in once your kids know your partner well and the two of you agree on house rules and money.
Living apart together, defined
Living apart together, or LAT, describes a couple who call themselves partners and each keep their own home. You might spend weekends together and weeknights apart. You might trade nights around a custody schedule.
Researchers at Bowling Green State University estimated that up to about 40% of US adults in dating relationships fit the LAT description, and about half of those LAT daters were 35 or older, according to a Pew Research Center summary.
In a separate study, about one third of US adults who weren't married or living with a partner were in a LAT relationship.
Single parents and separate homes
Parents have their own reasons to keep two homes. In a survey in Australia, 83% of singles with children said they would consider, or were open to, separate households in a long-term relationship. We couldn't find a US survey that asked single parents the same question.
Parents who keep two homes give reasons like these:
- Your kids keep their bedroom, their school and their routine.
- You avoid a second move for them if the relationship ends.
- You and your partner can each parent your own kids your own way.
- Your custody order or parenting plan may require notice before you move, or limit how far you can go.
Reasons to keep two homes
Keep separate homes if any of these fit you right now:
- Your kids met your partner in the past year.
- One of your kids still asks whether you and their other parent will get back together.
- You and your partner parent in different styles and haven't worked out how to share rules.
- Your custody schedule is new or still in court.
- Saving money is your main reason to move in.
Our guide on when to introduce kids to a new partner covers the first meetings. For dating around a parenting plan, see how to date around a custody schedule.
Reasons to move in
Moving in can make sense when the groundwork is in place:
- Your kids know your partner and have spent holidays and ordinary weeknights with them.
- You've talked through discipline, chores, screens and who pays for what.
- If you co-parent, your ex knows the plan, and you've checked your parenting plan for any notice rules.
- You both want a shared home, and neither of you is pushing the other into it.
If your partner has kids too, add time for the children to get to know each other before they share a house. Try a long weekend or a week of school holidays under one roof first, and watch how the kids handle it.
How to talk about it with your partner
Pick a calm evening without the kids around. Start with what you want, then ask what they want.
- Say where you stand. "I love what we have, and I want to keep my own place while the kids are in school."
- Ask about their picture. Do they see one home in two years, five years, or never?
- Name the practical pieces: nights together, holidays, money and how you'll introduce the setup to your kids.
- Set a date to revisit the question, such as in six months or after the school year.
If you and your partner want different things, talk through the gap before either of you decides. You'll need a plan you can each live with.
Holidays with two homes
You and your partner will need a holiday plan before the season starts. Decide by November whose house hosts which day, and whether the kids spend any of it with your partner. Our first holidays after a breakup guide has a plan for the days your kids spend with their other parent.
Before you take the next step
If you're still deciding whether to date at all, start with our 12-question readiness check. It takes about two minutes. For more on dating with kids, read co-parenting and dating and our single parent dating guide.
Date at your pace on The Transfer Portal
The Transfer Portal dating app asks you to choose an intention, such as a life partner, companionship, or time to explore, so a match knows what you want before the first message. You can say on your profile that you have kids and want to take things slow.
Soft Start gives you 5 swipes a day, plus daily mood check-ins and reflection prompts. Photo verification is optional: a person reviews a pose selfie, and you can add an ID check if you choose.
The app is on iOS and Android. Download The Transfer Portal.