Your ex moving on can hurt even if you ended it, because you have to let go of the future you once pictured. Mute their accounts, write about the news within a day or two, and if you share kids, agree on a few ground rules for the new partner. Wait to date until you want someone for yourself.
Why it hurts when your ex moves on
You hear the news from a friend, a group chat, or a ring on Instagram. Your stomach drops, even if you left, even if you're happy you're apart.
You may have kept telling yourself a story, about the person they'd be and the life you'd have had. Now you have to put that story down, and you can grieve it while you feel relief about the breakup.
The sting often shows up as one of these:
- Comparison. You size yourself up against the new partner's job, looks or age.
- Speed. They found someone in months, and you're still sorting the closet.
- Replacement. If you share kids, someone new will now sit at their games and birthday parties.
Step away from their social media
Mute them, unfollow them, or log off for a while. In two daily-diary studies within a larger breakup study, people who went looking for an ex on social media reported more breakup distress that day and the next. In the same study, people who came across an ex in their feed by chance reported a worse mood that day.
If you co-parent, keep one channel open for logistics, such as a co-parenting app or email. You can mute their stories and still get every message about pickups.
Journal prompts to process an ex getting married
Write within a day or two of the news, before you check the photos again. Set a timer for ten minutes and pick a few.
When you first hear
- The first thing I felt when I heard was…
- The part that stings most is…
- The story I'm telling myself about what this means is…
- Someone I trust would tell me…
When you look at what you lost
- The future I pictured with them included…
- The parts of that future I still want, with someone else, are…
- One thing I'm glad I no longer have to deal with is…
When you look ahead
- Their engagement doesn't change these things about my life…
- A year from now, I want my life to include…
- I'll know I'm over this when…
Our breakup journal prompts have 50 prompts grouped by stage.
Co-parenting with your ex's new partner
You may first meet your ex's new partner over the holidays, at a pickup in the driveway or a school play. Plan for it before it happens.
Set ground rules with your ex
Talk with your ex, without the new partner, about the rules that matter in both homes. Bedtimes, screens and discipline are common ones. You don't need to agree on everything. Agree on who handles discipline in each home.
Meet the new partner once
If you can, meet the new partner for coffee or at a handoff, and keep it short. Your kids get to see the adults in their lives treat each other with respect.
Watch what you say in front of the kids
Speak about the new partner in a neutral tone, or not at all, when your kids can hear. If they ask whether they're allowed to like this person, tell them yes, so they don't feel they need to pick a side.
Plan your time alone
If your kids spend Thanksgiving or the holidays at your ex's with the new partner, book plans for those hours now. Our first holidays after a breakup guide has a day-by-day plan. For dating as a co-parent, read co-parenting and dating.
Should you start dating because your ex did?
You set your own timeline. If you want to open an app the night you hear, wait two or three weeks. Then take our 12-question readiness check and see where you stand.
You're ready when you want to meet someone for who they are, and you'd still want to date if your ex had stayed single. If you meet someone soon after the news, read our rebound relationship signs.
Write and date at your pace on The Transfer Portal
The Transfer Portal dating app gives you a short private reflection prompt each day, so you have a place to write after you hear news about your ex. You keep what you write to yourself.
Once you're ready to meet someone, Soft Start gives you 5 swipes a day, plus daily mood check-ins and reflection prompts. You pick an intention, such as a life partner, companionship, or time to explore, so matches see what you want.
The app is on iOS and Android. Download The Transfer Portal.
If you're in crisis, call or text 988 (US).